The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
