Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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