I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
