i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Panties = found
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize