Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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