The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
