mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
even my farts smell like vagina
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize