Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
