Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
