Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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