I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
