In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
All I want is dick and wine.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
