I faked an abortion last night.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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