Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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