They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
This house was built for laser tag.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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