I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
