The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
