Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
