Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize