1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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