When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
my liver is dry heaving
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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