ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
