party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
