We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
not ubering you a puppy
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
