I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
