As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
