I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
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