I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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