I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Randomize
