Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize