Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
