So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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