I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize