WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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