I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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