she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
