My friends, they love my intelligence
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
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