i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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