i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
