forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
