I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
