my being single is dangerous.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My bed smells like the plague
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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