Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
