How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
