The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
