Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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