Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
how drunk are you?
Several
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