Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
i need some magic done to my vagina
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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