I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
