Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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