When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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