How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
