i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
