I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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